Saj Wins!

VICTOIRE! TRIOMPHE!

Saj: Ladies and gentlemen, since neither of us can keep up our obligations to this NFL picks blog, Ian conceded to me earlier today. So thank you, Ian, for recognizing my superior abilities. Until, next year.

Ian: I remember the conversation differently.  Once I cut the towering Russian (Saj) with back-to-back superior weeks, he saw the writing was on the wall for the third greatest collapse in sports history (after 2004 Yankees and 2007 Mets).  Wisely, Saj PLEADED to cut the blog short and accepted my Josh-Waitskin-from-Searching-For-Bobby-Fischer-climax-scene-like draw offer.  Until next year indeed.

Week Eleven: Quantum of Solace

For England, James

Saj: Regrettably, there will be no picks for a second week in a row. You see, the new James Bond movie comes out this weekend and we are both REALLY REALLY excited about it. It’s all we can think about.

Week 10: Federal Holiday

Cowboy politics

Saj: In honor of Barack Obama’s status as President-Elect, we decided to take Week 10 off. Congratulations Barack. Some said it would never happen. Some were exceptionally prescient.

Week 9: The Turning of the Tide

Tide.

Ian: Welcome to No Feet In Bounds Halloween Special!  If my first better than .500 week doesn’t scare Saj, then, well, the man knows no fear.  Be afraid, Saj.  Be very afraid.

Saj: I am not afraid of anything. So stop it. You’re not scaring me, dude. So, seriously, just stop it.

Week Nine

(favorites in CAPS)

NY Jets (+3) at BUFFALO

Ian: If the Jets win and the Pats lose in Indy, there will be three 5-3 teams in the AFC East at the halfway point of the season, with Miami potentially one game behind.  Each of the three would be in the playoffs, too.  So, that’s pretty exciting, right?  I mean, no one actually enjoys going undefeated and easily winning the division, right?  Sigh.  I still have nightmares about The Helmet Catch.  JETS

Saj: Wow the AFC East could be sending three teams to the playoffs. What the hell is going on right now in football. Tom Brady has completely fucked this league up by getting hurt. When has one player’s absence had such an impact on a sport? And, conversely, when has one player’s presence had such an impact on a sport? Tom Brady is peerless, ladies and gentlemen. Suck it haters. BUFFALO

Detroit (+9) at CHICAGO

Ian: What’s a scarier prospect: Dan Orlovsky or Daunte Culpepper quarterbacking your team?  It’s a trick question.  Both would scare you to death, making any additional scariness irrelevant.  You fail.  CHICAGO

Saj: Right now, probably Culpepper. Yeah I’d say Culpepper.  CHICAGO

JACKSONVILLE (-5) at Cincinatti

Ian: A plague has hit Jacksonville as they’ve lost yet another defensive player to injury.  But at least they have players who can play defense, unlike their Week 9 opponents.  JACKSONVILLE

Saj: Five points.  I believe it. JACKSONVILLE

Baltimore (pk) at Cleveland

Ian: I love pick ‘em games.  It’s like our old blog, back when I used to dominate.  Three pick ‘em games this week, it’s like bizarro world.  CLEVELAND

Saj: For tradition’s sake, I have to go against Ian.  BALTIMORE

Green Bay (+2.5) at TENNESSEE

Ian: From what I understand, homefield usually means three points in betting lines.  So Green Bay would be a half point favorite over undefeated Tennessee in Green Bay right now?  That’s psycho.  TENNESSEE

Saj: Roundabout logic, but yes I agree with Ian.  TENNESSEE

TAMPA BAY (-6.5) at Kansas City

Ian: The Chiefs are terrifyingly bad.  And that’s my Halloween connection.  TAMPA BAY

Saj: You were the Chiefs for Halloween!  TAMPA BAY

ARIZONA (-3.5) at St. Louis

Ian: I never get sick of the Warner Bowl.  Don’t look now, but the Rams have played good football for three straight weeks.  Home game plus points?  Sold!  RAMS

Saj: I can’t do this anymore.  ARIZONA

HOUSTON (+1.5) at Minnesota

Ian: I came on after Saj, but I am finally riding the Texans train. HOUSTON

Saj: I’m tired and I just want to play video games. HOUSTON

Miami (+1.5) at DENVER

Ian: What the-?  DENVER

Saj: Which video game, you ask? Grand Theft Auto IV. Yeah, that one. DENVER

ATLANTA (-4.5) at Oakland

Ian: Atlanta laying points on the road doesn’t make much sense, but neither does ever picking Oakland getting less than a touchdown.  Damn.  Coin says ATLANTA

Saj: I agree, it is totally sweet. OAKLAND

Dallas (+8.5) at NY GIANTS

Ian: Never, ever take the heavy favorite in an NFC East match up.  The games are always tightly fought crap shoots.  Trust me.  DALLAS

Saj: Well I just sort of stopped playing it over the summer and then picked it back up the other day. But then I stopped again and put on a DVD. NY GIANTS

PHILADELPHIA (-6.5) at Seattle

Ian: Phily’s a decent team, right?  And Seattle is terrible, right?  Okay, just making sure.  PHILADELPHIA

Saj: I don’t want to say what movie I was watching, it’s embarassing. PHILADELPHIA

New England (PK) at INDIANAPOLIS

Ian: The Patriots have no business being 5-2.  No business.  In the dome, their secondary is toast.  This is my best chance to make up a game on Saj’s lead.  INDY (and Peyton Manning)!

Saj: No, it wasn’t porn. Fine, if you really want to know it was The Happening. NEW ENGLAND

Pittsburgh (PK) at WASHINGTON

Ian: Three pick ‘em games in one week!  I’m winning at least two.  Okay, at least one.  PITTSBURGH

Saj: Yeah, dude, I told you.  Embarassing. WASHINGTON

Week 8: The bellwether week

Bellwether states and counties that voted for the winning Presidential candidate every election from 1960 through 1996. Why? Because Google Image is really random.

Saj: You’ve all heard it a million times on CNN: As Missouri goes, so goes the nation. In honor of the upcoming Presidential election, every pick I make this week will be exactly in line with what the state of Missouri would do. Since a municipal region does not have a consciousness I will be forced to speculate.

Ian: Therefore, in response, I will go with the probable selections of the state that is almost always wrong in presidential elections: Minnesota.  Why are they almost always wrong?  Because they’ve always voted for the Democrat since Nixon’s re-election win.  Even Mondale and Dukakis!!  Losers.

Week Eight

(favorites in CAPS)

Atlanta (+9) at PHILADELPHIA

Saj: I imagine the state of Missouri has a deep seeded mistrust of liberal Northeastern cities and can more readily identify with poorly run, unofficially segregated, shitholes like Atlanta.  Go Falcons!  ATLANTA

Ian: Chilly out today, eh?  Philadelphia is made for weather like this, just like us MinnesOHtans.  ATLANTA 

Kansas City (+12.5) at JETS

Saj: The Herm Edwards Bowl is here! Oh, man. Just two great teams going at it on a Sunday, what could be better to watch than that, right guys? (rhetorical, please don’t answer that). I’ll have to pick against the Jets for two reasons.  1) Fuck them and 2) the state of Missouri is a huge homer.  KANSAS CITY

Ian: If we MinnesOHtans know anything, it’s a bad football team when we see one.  Exhibit A: The Chiefs.  JETS

St. Louis (+7) at NEW ENGLAND

Saj: Football season just isn’t the same without the Patriots.  ST. LOUIS

Ian: Dome team in a cold weather city at the end of October?  Take it from us MinnesOHtans, this will end badly for the Rams.  PATRIOTS

BUFFALO (-1.5) at Miami

Saj: Missouri flipped a coin on this one. Like they did in the 1964 election. Johnson was heads, Goldwater was tails, and the rest is history.  BUFFALO

Ian: We MinnesOHtans feel more comradery with the Bills (dozens of losses in the Superbowl) than Miami (multiple Superbowl wins and an undefeated season).  BUFFALO

Oakland (+7) at BALTIMORE

Saj: No jokes here, I just think Baltimore can beat Oakland by more than a touchdown at home.  BALTIMORE

Ian: Really?  That’s the line?  BALTIMORE

WASHINGTON (-7.5) at Detroit

Saj: I really like this Washington team but they haven’t beaten anyone by more than seven points all season. Luckily they aren’t playing just anyone. They’re playing the Detroit Lions.  WASHINGTON

Ian: Here in MinnesOHta, we’ve been making fun of the Detroit Lions forever.  Finally, Saj and the rest of the country are catching on.  WASHINGTON

Arizona (+4) at CAROLINA

Saj: Which Carolina are the Panthers in again? The racist one or the slightly less racist one? Someone please answer this for me.  CAROLINA

Ian: The racist one.  Whichever that is.  ARIZONA

SAN DIEGO (-3) at New Orleans

Saj: Really? Why do people think the Saints are good. Fucking seriously, people.  SAN DIEGO

Ian: Well, I don’t know Saj, maybe because THEY’RE GOING TO WIN THE NFC F’N CHAMPIONSHIP.  The being said, I wasn’t aware anyone else thought they were good.  It’s just that nameless oddsmakers really know their stuff.  New Orleans

Tampa Bay (+2) at DALLAS

Saj: For some reason I feel like Missouri is a huge Cowboy fan.  DALLAS

Ian: I refuse to believe Tony Romo is an MVP candidate when he wasn’t even the best quarterback on the roster two years ago.  DALLAS

Cincinnati (+9.5) at HOUSTON

Saj: Too many points for Cincinnati. I say take them. CINCINNATI

Ian: With Palmer officially out for the year, the Bengals can finally move on and look forward to the rest of their season.  And what a sorry sight it is.  HOUSTON

Giants (+2.5) at PITTSBURGH

Saj: Steeler fans are generally huge dickheads, and the state of Missouri appreciates that.  PITTSBURGH

Ian: Hey NFC-dominating Giants, welcome to the AFC where Randy Moss actually JUMPS FOR THE F’N BALL WHEN BRADY THROWS IT 75 YARDS TO HIM.  No, I’m not bitter.  But seriously, who comes that close to 19-0 anymore?  And isn’t this season the perfect example of how everything has to go perfectly to even consider making a run at it?  Anyway… PITTSBURGH.

Cleveland (+7) at JACKSONVILLE

Saj: Chocolate is my favorite.  CLEVELAND

Ian: What kind?  JACKSONVILLE

Seattle (+5) at SAN FRANCISCO

Saj: Dark chocolate.  SAN FRANCISCO

Ian: No kidding.  SEATTLE

Indianapolis (+4) at TENNESSEE

Saj: But not TOO dark.  INDIANAPOLIS

Ian: Oh.  TENNESSEE

Week 7: Joe the Plumber probably likes the Chiefs to beat the spread

Another famous plumber who has as much relevance in this election as Joe.

Ian: In the above photograph, Mario is signifying how many hundreds of thousands of dollars he would have to make in order to not get a tax break under Barack Obama.  What this photo doesn’t show you is that when someone mentions Joe the Plumber and his potential $250,000 business to Mario.  Mario’s smile turns to a scowl, his eye brows lower, he rotates his hand 180 degrees and slowly lowers his index finger.  Much like I do after each week of these picks as Saj continually dominates me.

Saj: I would never make obscene gestures.  I find them crass.  And I hoped Mario would have agreed with me.  Alas, Mario is a tempermental little pizza slinger.

Week Seven

(favorites in CAPS)

TENNESSEE (-9) at Kansas City

Ian: Tennessee is good, but they’re win by one score good.  Not win by 10 points good. KANSAS CITY

Saj: I disagree with Ian on this game and I’ll tell you why.  Tennessee has the best defense in football and is generally considered the best team in football.  And Kansas City is like the opposite of everything I just said.  They agree with Ian.  TENNESSEE

San Diego (+1) at BUFFALO

Ian: The San Diego Chargers throttled the New England Patriots last week.  Absolutely throttled.  I can only imagine what they do to the wholly overrated Buffalo Bills. SAN DIEGO

Saj: Again, I’m going to have to pick against Ian, because, quite frankly, I don’t trust him.  You see, and I don’t think he’d mind me telling all of you this, Ian has a vendetta with the city of Buffalo, New York.  Don’t believe me?  Look at his track record of football picks involving the Buffalo Bills over the last three years.  Remarkably biased against them.  What’s wrong with Buffalo, Ian?  Is it the working class folk that put you off?  What, you don’t like that they’re political views are different from yours?  Elitist.  BUFFALO

PITTSBURGH (-9.5) at Cincinnati

Ian: Pittsburgh is 4-1 and coming off a bye week.  Cincinatti is 0-6 and lost to, of all teams, the New York Jets.  Hmmmm… PITTSBURGH

Saj: Pittsburgh is healthy (NOTE: not sure if they are) and good (NOTE: pretty sure about this one).  PITTSBURGH

Baltimore (+3) at MIAMI

Ian: Hey, look everyone!  A team that’s scored a combined 13 points in their last two weeks is only getting three on the road!  MIAMI

Saj: Call me nuts, but I still think Ricky Williams has a shot at the football Hall of Fame.  Canton or bust, right Ricky!  MIAMI

DALLAS (-7) at St. Louis

Ian: Is this a bigger game than most people think?  The Cowboys are coming off a bad loss to the Arizona Cardinals (congratulations).  Tony Romo insists on playing with a fractured pinkie (which I’m pretty sure Jessica Simpson thinks is the cutest thing in the world).  And, to top it all off, I hear Roy Williams is playing both sides of the ball this weekend, so you know the Cowboys are amped up to play this huge game against this terrible team. DALLAS

Saj: I know Dallas is not exactly living up to expectations over the last few weeks but look: those were some lofty expectations.  Sometimes when I’m on my way home I stop and get a sandwich from this deli that has great sandwiches.  But sometimes the sandwiches aren’t that great: no bread selection, too little meat, where’s my bacon?, etc.  So, yeah, the Dallas Cowboys are like a really good but still flawed sandwich shop.  DALLAS

Minnesota (+3) at CHICAGO

Ian: The Vikings are 3-1 in a dome this year and 0-2 away from one.  Yeah, to get this over with, I usually just pull out the first stat I think of.  Daaaaaaaaaa BEARS

Saj: For some reason I think Chicago has this really awesome home field advantage.  It just seems like the type of place that should.  BEARS

New Orleans (+3) at CAROLINA

Ian: Keep layin’ low, boys.  The NFC Championship awaits you.  What crazy person is giving them points this week? NEW ORLEANS

Saj: I owe it to myself to continue to pick against Ian’s “chosen team”.  CAROLINA

San Francisco (+10.5) at NY GIANTS

Ian: It’s the Tecmo Superbowl NFC Championship game!  I like Dave Meggett and Otis Anderson to combine for 400 yards rushing while Joe Montana throws for 600 yards despite getting sacked 18 times by Lawrence Taylor.  Ball control beats passing attack.  Good luck against Thurman Thomas and QB Bills in the Tecmo Superbowl Superbowl, G-Men!  GIANTS

Saj: I agree with Ian on both fronts.  This would be an awesome Tecmo Bowl match up.  And I like the Giants. GIANTS

Detroit (+9.5) at HOUSTON

Ian: Yes, there is a team bad enough that they’re awared 9.5 points when playing the Houston Texans.  There are no winners here.  The coin says DETROIT.

Saj: Sticking with Houston.  HOUSTON

NY JETS (-3) at Oakland

Ian: Oakland is 1-4.  The oddsmakers realize this, right?  One-and-four!  And they lost 34-3 last week.  Granted it was against the future NFC Champions, but still. JETS

Saj: Yesterday I was walking near Grand Central Station and the Jets’ promotion people were holding a rally with only two cheerleaders and one player I’ve never heard of.  Do major sports franchises really need to promote like that?  Seriously, they were like Salvation Army panhandlers more than a real promotion team.  I felt like it was some sort of Halloween thing. JETS

Cleveland (+8) at WASHINGTON

Ian: I don’t know why Saj doesn’t like Clinton Portis.  It doesn’t make sense to me that he has no affection for him.  Portis is a good player.  Why does Saj think Portis is so bad?  WASHINGTON

Saj: I am not stepping into that trap, Ian.  Clinton knows how much he means to me.  I think Washington wins but not by eight points.  CLEVELAND

INDIANAPOLIS (-1) at Green Bay

Ian: It’s still disconcerting to see the Colts involved in these miniscule spreads.  Fortunately for them, they finally broke it open last week, signaling they’re returning to form.  Watch out, Green Bay. INDY

Saj: Peyton Manning makes me want to tear my face off in a show of despair over the loss of Tom Brady.  This certainly is a cruel world.  A world where innocent children can die of cancer and serial rapists live long fruitful lives.  This certainly is a cruel, unfeeling world. INDY

Seattle (+10.5) at TAMPA BAY

Ian: I have few rules in making picks, but one of them is never take a 1-4 team that has to travel 3,500 miles to play on the road against a 4-2 team unless the 1-4 team had a quarterback who threw for at least 84 yeards in the previous week.  You’d be surprised how rarely this occurs.  TAMPA BAY

Saj: I’m giving this one to the Buccaneers just to see what they can do with it.  Prove me a wise man and we’ll talk, Tampa.  Sidenote to the punk kid I saw wearing a Tampa Bay Rays hat two days ago: I know you just bought that hat.  The tag is still on it.  You are a jerk.  A huge turd of a jerk.  TAMPA BAY

Denver (+3) at NEW ENGLAND

Ian: I honestly have no idea why the Broncos are getting points. DENVER

Saj: I will not quit on this team, even if it means getting a pick (or 10) wrong.  NEW ENGLAND

Week 6: Columbus Day Reprieve

In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue very ostentatiously

Saj: Ian emailed me this week and requested a break.  You know, some time to regroup and try to turn things around.  I said okay under the condition that he wear women’s shoes for a week.  So if you see him, check out his feet.

Week 5: Bailout Special

They can take our tax dollars, but they can't take our humor

Saj: It’s a bailout special this week: all of our picks have been insured by the federal government to the tune of $700 billion dollars.  And now we bathe in a river of mortgage-backed securities and House Republican tears.

Ian: I’m the busiest man I know and I’m a teacher.  I get paid very little.  My profession is very important.  Someone explain this to me.  Anyway, a quick run through picks this week, because I’m putting in a full day on a Saturday at school.

Week Five

(favorites in CAPS)

INDIANAPOLIS (-3) at Houston

Saj: I helped my friends move yesterday and my arms are really sore.  I imagine if Matt Schaub was moving to a new house he would hire movers instead of asking his friends.  Then again, he does work with a lot of football players who would be really good at lifting things.  HOUSTON

Ian: It’s going to take a while before I’m convinced that these teams’ track records dictate only a 3-point spread in this game.  INDY

TENNESSEE (-3) at Baltimore

Saj: Two things in football will always be true.  1) Football is a game of inches, and 2) if you saw Kerry Collins’ name in the Sports section you would almost immediately think female Olympic gymnast.  TENNESSEE

Ian: To build off of what Saj was saying about Kerry Collins sounding like a female gymnast’s name, I would argue for Shannon Sharpe, too.  Oh, and Bubba Franks.  TENNESSEE

SAN DIEGO (-6.5) at Miami

Saj: LaDanian Tomlinson is starting to look like the Tomlinson of old.  The Tomlinson of lore.  The Tomlinson of The Bible.  SAN DIEGO

Ian: Pats beat San Diego in the AFC Championship, Miami beat Pats two weeks ago… so Miami beats San Diego?  Wait, I’m missing something here.  What is it… oh yeah, this Patriots season isn’t happening. SAN DIEGO

Kansas City (+9.5) at CAROLINA

Saj: Hmm, giving 9.5 points to a team that just beat Jay Cutler and the Denver Broncos.  Hmm.  There has to be a reason for this.  There has to be.  CAROLINA

Ian: Nope, there’s not. KANSAS CITY

Washington (+6) at PHILADELPHIA

Saj: Call me crazy and kooky, but let’s go with the Redskins.  WASHINGTON

Ian: Saj, have I ever told you how crazy and kooky you are?  Well, you totally are.  PHILADELPHIA

CHICAGO (-3.5) at Detroit

Saj: This is Detroit’s first game since they fired Matt Millen but I still don’t think 3.5 points is enough.  Also: Joe Biden totes killed in the debate last night.  For realsies.  CHICAGO

Ian: The Detroit Lions and St. Louis Rams are in a dueling free fall for the first pick in next year’s draft.  Decent teams will beat those two soundly every game this year.  CHICAGO

Atlanta (+4) at GREEN BAY

Saj: Aaron Rodgers’ might not play, but Green Bay is at home and Atlanta is Atlanta.  GREEN BAY

Ian: Flawless logic by my counterpart.  GREEN BAY

Seattle (+7) at NY GIANTS

Saj: The Seahawks get Engram and Branch back this weekend, which is a positive for Seattle.  A negative: neither are that good.  A positive: I really like the helmets they wear.  A negative: Not too crazy about the rest of the uniform.  GIANTS

Ian: I have relunctantly signed the “Giants are a very good football team” petition, despite them almost choking away the Cincinatti game last week.    GIANTS

Tampa Bay (+3) at DENVER

Saj: Brian Griese’s return to Denver!!  I can just feel the media swarm surrounding this one.  Other momentous “returns” in history: Caesar crossing the Rubicon, Tom Seaver at the closing of Shea Stadium, and Ian going back to that gas station where he picks up his hooker every Friday night.  DENVER

Ian: Yet another effect of the receding economy: my time-tested gas/hooker station went out of business.  Now I’d have to go ACROSS town to pick up a hooker, and, frankly, I don’t have that kind of disposable income for the gas OR hooker anymore.  THANKS A LOT, BUSH!  Denver is looking to bounce back. DENVER

NEW ENGLAND (-3) at San Francisco

Saj: Gotta go with my team here.  Otherwise I will start google image searching pictures of Tom Brady and crying.  The spread he did for GQ is just too much for me sometimes.  NEW ENGLAND

Ian: Wowwwwww.  Just three points against the 49ers.  How the mighty have fallen.  Lock of the Week (undefeated on the season). NEW ENGLAND

Buffalo (+1) at ARIZONA

Saj: The Bills are underdogs to a team that let Brett Favre and the Jets score 56 points?  Don’t buy it.  BUFFALO

Ian: Totally! BUFFALO

Cincinnati (+16) at DALLAS

Saj: I think sixteen points is too much.  Even for as lopsided a match-up as this one.  CINCINNATI

Ian: Remember when the Patriots kept covering obscene spreads last year?  Well, this match up is so lop sided that they’d need a 21 point spread for me to even consider taking the Bungles.  DALLAS

Pittsburgh (+4) at JACKSONVILLE

Saj: Toughest game of the week for me.  I’m going to go with the home team.  JACKSONVILLE

Ian: The Pitt running game is a mess and I’m pretty sure Big Ben hasn’t known what it’s like to be healthy since he was in college.  JACKSONVILLE

Minnesota (+3) at NEW ORLEANS

Saj: There are few things I enjoy more than picking against Ian’s 2008-2009 NFC Champions, and those few things are all either cake or cake-like items (READ: Brownies). MINNESOTA

Ian: The Saints’ march to the Superbowl continues… NEW ORLEANS

Week 4: When Doves Cry

Matt Millen. One of the first victims of the impending recession.

Ian: The choice for our Headline Picture today was totally Saj’s idea.  I’m pretty sure, with Matt Millen’s 31-81 record tucked away in the top left hand corner, Saj is using a subliminal insult message by setting my goal for our Picks contest this year.  Well, Saj, your subterfuge was not as subliminal as you think.  I’m coming for you now.  I’m coming for you hard.  Real hard.  You can’t say worst to first without worst.  Still, Saj, in regards to your accompanying text with the picture… “impending?”

Saj: What an interesting week, everybody!  Clay Aiken came out of the closet as a gay man, the economy got worse and worse, and Sarah Palin touted the “Risk” theory of foreign policy by stating that Russia was next to her home.  Oh, Sarah!  You’re like your own little vaudeville act!!  Also, Ian, while there are some similarities between you and Mr. Millen, you forget one fortunate difference: I can’t fire you.

Week Four

(favorites in CAPS)

DENVER (-9.5) at Kansas City

Ian: I’m throwing everything out the window and going pure gut.  I’m doing the first thing that comes to mind for every game and I won’t talk myself out of it through “logic” and “rationality.”  You know, like a theist.  I feel like Denver will beat KC at home by two touchdowns.  DENVER

Saj: In contrast to Ian, I will use my brain to analyze this match up.  And my brain’s gut says go with the Broncos.  DENVER

Cleveland (+3.5) at CINCINNATI

Ian: Last week, Cleveland went into Baltimore and got points.  Saj and I both picked Cleveland because we thought they were too good to be getting points against a bad team.  This week: same old story, same old song and dance, my friends.  “Fool me once… shame on, shame on you………………………………. You fool me I can’t get fooled again.”  CINCINATTI

Saj: What are people in Ohio really like?  It’s not really the South and it’s not really the Midwest.  Or is it?  I really don’t know.  CLEVELAND

Houston (+7.5) at JACKSONVILLE

Ian: Jacksonville has turned the corner.  They’re a good football team, damn it!  Jax by 10 at home. JACKSONVILLE

Saj: Houston is all kinds of messy right now.  Like as messy as spilling soup.  JACKSONVILLE

Arizona (+1.5) at NY JETS

Ian: It’s the Matt Leinart Bowl.  Somehow.  Even though he won’t be playing.  Wait, why is it the Matt Leinart Bowl again?  Oh yeah, the Jets were supposed to draft him.  Now they’re stuck with a 38-year-old gimp with increasingly whitening hair.  Still, you can’t help but think the Cardinals’ bubble popped last week.  They’re just a different team on the road.  It’s basically a pick ‘em.  JETS

Saj: I can’t see the Jets defense stopping both Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin, let alone both.  I also can’t see magic eye pictures.  Wait, that’s my friend Mike.  HE can’t see magic eye pictures.  I see them immediately.  CARDINALS

San Francisco (+5.5) at NEW ORLEANS

Ian: How in the world are the 2008-2009 NFC Champs only getting 5.5 points at home against San Francisco?  Lock of the week (undefeated on the season after Tennessee’s win last week).  NEW ORLEANS

Saj: Okay, fine.  Tell me.  What the hell do you see in the New Orleans Saints that makes you think they’re going to the Superbowl?  What is it?  Your 17-28 record in picking football games this year?  That’s a bad reason, Ian.  NEW ORLEANS

Atlanta (+7) at CAROLINA?

Ian: So, Atlanta’s 2-1.  Giving them a touchdown against 1-2 Carolina, eh?  Here’s to Vickless Atlanta being a Cinderella story.  And I haven’t picked a road team, yet.  ATLANTA

Saj: I think Carolina gets Steve Smith back this game.  I think, I’m not going to look it up.  He could already be back.  Or he could be back next week.  Either way, just the fact that he MIGHT be back should send you racing to your bookie.  CAROLINA

Minnesota (+3) at TENNESSEE

Ian: Have people yet to realize Tennessee is a good team??  Only three points at home?  What is going on this week?  This is my runner up lock of the week.  TENNESSEE

Saj: I’ll give this one to the Titans.  Nothing funny to add about Vince Young this time, scout’s honor.  TENNESSEE

Green Bay (+1) at TAMPA BAY

Ian: Words to the wise: In the battle of the hot and cold Bays, always take the home team.  It’s like when the Russian’s hosted the Americans in The Comrades of Summer, am I right? TAMPA

Saj: The city of Tampa is a cesspool.  GREEN BAY

BUFFALO (-8) at St. Louis

Ian: In three games, St. Louis has scored 29 points, the least in the conference by 25 points (Vikings’ 54).  The Rams have also given up 116 points, another outlier if you ignore the Lions’ 113 point defense, which is 30 more than the next highest total (New Orleans’ 83).  My point?  Holy crap, the Rams are bad. BUFFALO

Saj: I believe in the Bills now.  I really do.  They’re going to win the AFC East.  As I typed that blood came shooting out of my nostrils.  BUFFALO

SAN DIEGO (-7.5) at Oakland

Ian: LT and the Chargers are back.  Oakland, however, is still away on its six year vacation.  SAN DIEGO

Saj: San Diego scores lots of points.  They play football the right way.  SAN DIEGO

Washington (+11) at DALLAS

Ian: This is the toughest pick of the week.  Dallas at home is as formidable as it gets in the NFL right now.  NFC East match ups, however, are almost always nail-biters.  Still, I can see Washington hanging close, probably down by about a touchdown, until Dallas puts them away with a 4th quarter score.  DALLAS

Saj: Dallas is a very good football team, but I have this strange feeling that Washington will beat the spread in this one.  They have a talent for being incredibly inept on offense yet killing a lot of time off the clock.  Plus, Clinton Portis is better than sex.  And by that I mean he’s a better football player than the intangible idea of sex would be as a football player.  I mean, what would sex be like as a football player?  Or in general.  What’s it like?  WASHINGTON

PHILADELPHIA (-3) at Chicago

Ian: Could this also be a National League Championship Series match up?  I wonder what these two ailing cities want more… a Superbowl or a World Series?  I’ll take the Cubs in six, but the Eagles in one.  PHILADELPHIA

Saj: I like picking with the Bears, unless they’re playing a good team.  PHILADELPIA

Baltimore (+5.5) at PITTSBURGH

Ian: Wait, the Ravens beats up on Cleveland in Baltimore and now they’re less than a touchdown dog in Pittsburgh?  Good lord.  Who cares if they’re one of the last six undefeated teams in the league when their wins came at home against Cincinatti and Cleveland and they got hurricaned out in the other week.  Joe Flacco is still their quarterback.  PITTSBURGH

Saj: I didn’t know much about Joe Flacco, so yesterday I asked a Steeler fan about him.  Apparently he’s a queer.  According to Steeler fans.  The most unbiased source of sports news in the world ever.  PITTSBURGH

Week 3: Hey Ref, Let Them Play

Ed Hochuli does the hustle while ruining NFL games

Saj: It seems like Ed Hochuli has joined Vince Young on suicide watch.  To that I say, cheer up, Ed!  For years and years you’ve been the most high profile of all the nameless and faceless NFL referees.  And that’s because 1) you have ridiculous biceps and 2) you’re a pretty good referee on the whole.  So buck up, guy.  Buck up.  At least you’re better at your job than Ian is at picking football games.

Ian: As if I didn’t deserve that.  I’m so ashamed.  I have nothing to say.

Week Three

(favorites in CAPS)

Kansas City (+6) at ATLANTA

Saj: Atlanta as a favorite?  Skeptical City.  Population: Me.  Mark my words, the Tyler Thigpen jersey I bought off ebay in August is going to pay off big time this season.  Big Time.  KANSAS CITY

Ian: Saj nailed this on the head.  Three weeks ago, if someone told you that in a game this season the Falcons will be laying six points, you would tell that someone that they were an idiot.  KANSAS CITY

Oakland (+9.5) at BUFFALO

Saj: Troubling about the otherwise decent Oakland victory last week was the less than mediocre play of JaMarcus Russell.  Less troubling?  How awesome Darren McFadden can be.  He’s a playmaker.  A gamechanger.  A crossdresser.  Sort of like Serena Williams.  OAKLAND

Ian: So, Buffalo’s 2-0.  What’s up with that?  I mean it makes sense, because, come on, the JETS won’t finish in the top 2 of their division, am I right?  BUFFALO

Houston (+5) at TENNESSEE

Saj: Tennessee’s defense is cooking with gas.  Just keep the pilot light away from Vince Young, he’s unstable.  TENNESSEE

Ian: Hey, has anyone seen Saj’s soul?  Anyone?  I could have sworn it was here, but he keeps making fun of a suicidal 20-something.  Anyway, Tennessee is pretty good, and the fact that they’re only giving up 5 at home against the Texans is strange.  Lock of the week.  TENNESSEE

Cincinnati (+13.5) at NY GIANTS

Saj: Cincinnati is pretty bad, but I don’t know if I can support a 13.5 point spread.  It seems a little extreme.  Like as extreme as street luge!  CINCINNATI

Ian: The Giants keep overcoming these lines.  They laid 4 at Washington, then 8.5 in St. Louis.  Both taken care of easily.  You’d think 13.5 would be too high, but Cincinatti is nearly as bad as St. Louis and this game is at the Meadowlands.  And what’s up with Eli?  Is he making a run at top 5 QB?  GIANTS

Arizona (+3) at WASHINGTON

Saj: Is this the year the Cardinals make the playoffs?  I say: affirmative.  ARIZONA

Ian: We have a Kurt Warner sighting!  ARIZONA

Miami (+12.5) at NEW ENGLAND

Saj: The Dolphins played the Jets tough, shit the bed terribly against the Cardinals, and now face off against the Patriots, a team that doesn’t look like it lost much of a step with Matt Cassel at quarterback.  You may not see too many 30 point games from the Pats this year, but their defense and their evil genius coach are still fires on all cylinders.  Like a great big truck.  Who would you pick in a fight: girly-throwing Chad Pennington or a great big truck?  NEW ENGLAND

Ian: I’ll take the truck.  NEW ENGLAND

Tampa Bay (+3) at CHICAGO

Saj: I’m going with Chicago just because their defense and special teams are so goddam unpredictable.  CHICAGO

Ian: It takes a lot to get shut out in the NFL.  To see my point manifested, watch this game.  CHICAGO

Carolina (+3.5) at MINNESOTA

Saj: Carolina is undefeated, Minnesota has benched it’s supposed starting quarterback, and the Panthers are still somehow getting points?  If I had a lock of the week, this wouldn’t be it but I would give it equal consideration alongside the other fifteen games.  CAROLINA

Ian: The benching of Tavaris Jackson eliminates a huge hole at quarterback.  Carolina up in the dome against a stout defense, AP, and Gus “Game Manager” Ferotte?  Sold!  MINNESOTA

St. Louis (+9.5) at SEATTLE

Saj: Believe it or not, this is a tough call.  So I’m going to flip a coin.  ST. LOUIS

Ian: St. Louis can already smell the #1 pick.  If you think they’ll hang close in a road game this year, you’re crazy.  SEATTLE

Detroit (+4) at SAN FRANCISCO

Saj: The Lions are bad.  The 49ers are somehow less bad.  Ergo, SAN FRANCISCO

Ian: Barry Sanders!  Joe Montana!  Battle of the Titans!  DETROIT

New Orleans (+5.5) at DENVER

Saj: My pick depends on whether or not Ed Hochuli is officiating this game.  Just kidding.  Jay Cutler has diabetes.  DENVER

Ian: The NFC Champs are getting points?  A check in their corner.  Denver has it’s vaunted homefield advantage.  A check in their corner.  Also, the Broncos play in a much tougher division and conference, so that’s another check in their corner.  However, the New Orleans quarterback doesn’t have diabetes, which has to be a plus.  Man, this is tough.  When in doubt, Denver by a touchdown at home seems safe.  DENVER

Pittsburgh (+3.5) at PHILADELPHIA

Saj: What would happen if you put all the Steelers fans and all the Eagles fans in one giant room and blew it up?  God would thank you.  PHILADELPHIA

Ian: The Pennsylvania bowl is actually a pretty realistic Superbowl… you know, if the Saints and Patriots stopped existing and everything.  AFC plus points, baby!  STEELERS

Jacksonville (+5) at INDIANAPOLIS

Saj: Let’s see, Jacksonville is not very good this year, but it’s an odd-numbered week so time to pick against Peyton Manning.  JACKSONVILLE

Ian: The week that the domefield advantage returns.  INDIANAPOLIS

Cleveland (+2) at BALTIMORE

Saj: Cleveland is too good to be two point underdogs to Joe Flacco.  CLEVELAND

Ian: Hear, hear.  CLEVELAND

DALLAS (-3) at Green Bay

Saj: The Cowboys look unstoppable.  UNSTOPPABLE!  DALLAS

Ian: If someone were to tell me the New Orleans Saints are not going to the Superbowl, I’d laught a lot, but after I got done laughing, I’d probably say it was because their team plane crashed so Dallas got in my default.  They’re good.  This is the week Aaron Rodgers returns to the league of ordinary gentlemen.  DALLAS

NY Jets (+9) at SAN DIEGO

Saj: So it turns out even Favre can’t turn around this franchise.  God bless the Jets.  SAN DIEGO

Ian: I’m taking the Jets so I can get a win-win on Monday night.  JETS