If we photoshopped the football helmet out for a cowboy hat... BAM, instant Stetson ad.
Ian: Woah, Nellie! Ladies and gentlemen, this past weekend, Saj did something that he’s never done before in his life: convincingly beat me at something. His outstanding 12-4 Week One record, coupled with my horrendously rare underperformance of 8-8, put a sizeable four game gap between the two of us as we head into Week Two. By the end of this season, you’ll be able to count the times Saj beats me by four games on one finger. Starting immediately, I plan to make up ground.
Saj: I’m counting it on one finger, Ian. Can you guess which one? Week Two begins… NOW.
Week Two
(favorites in CAPS)Oakland (+3.5) at KANSAS CITY
Ian: I hate starting Football Friday with the worst game on the schedule. These are two putrid teams. I’m going with KC in Arrowhead, easily one of the 25-30 biggest homefield advantages in the NFL. KANSAS CITY
Saj: This is a tough game to call. On the one hand, Kansas City is in Week Two and already utilizing the time-tested quarterback-by-committee approach (bruised shoulder, Brodie Croyle? Don’t buy it). On the other hand, the Raiders. No other comment, just, the Raiders. When in doubt, make a bad decision. OAKLAND
Tennessee (+1) at CINCINNATI
Ian: Cincinnati is better than what we saw last week and Tennessee is worse. Unfortunately, the transitive property doesn’t kick in until at least Week Three, so the premise is of no help. I’ll just go with Carson Palmer, Ocho Cinco, and the home team. I just hope Saj doesn’t bring up Vince Young, because there really isn’t anything to talk about. CINCINATTI
Saj: So much to talk about!! Apparently Vince Young went off the deep end, but he says he didn’t? I’m not sure who to believe here. The Tennessee Titans, a psychologist, and the police, or… Vince Young. Regardless, he’s not playing and I do agree all this stuff is a little (a lot) overblown. But something happened and you have to think that Young as the “face of the franchise” is starting to look less and less likely. Well, thank goodness for the Cincinnati Bengals then! It’s nice that the Bengals are back to sucking and OJ’s back on trial. Sigh, I miss the 90s. TENNESSEE
INDIANAPOLIS (-2) at Minnesota
Ian: Good lord, are there no good games this week? This game will have at least six turnovers, mark it down. The Colts can’t protect Peyton Manning, which will force errors, and the Vikings have Tavaris Jackson, which will force errors. The Vikings should keep it close with Adrian Peterson controlling the ball and being the only safe bet on the field, but I just can’t believe the Colts will start 0-2. As much as Saj would love that. COLTS
Saj: I won’t pick against Peyton this week and I’ll tell you why. Because the Vikings defense is not very good. Also, I just saw a commercial for Vicky Cristina Barcelona, and I had no idea it was rated PG-13. The movie stars Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz and is all about sex. There’s even a threesome scene. A threesome scene! With Scarlett Johansson! In a PG-13 movie! Woody Allen: if you’re reading this, and I have no doubt you are, there has to be some small independent theater in the Village screening a director’s cut. And I KNOW you have a director’s cut. INDIANAPOLIS
New Orleans (PK) at WASHINGTON
Ian: Wait wait, a PICK EM with the 2008-2009 NFC Champions against the worst team in the NFC East? Thank you, Vegas! SAINTS
Saj: I’m in a jam here. If I pick the Redskins then I’m saying their offense is not as bad as it looked against the Giants in Week One. And it’s not: Clinton Portis is 1B to Jesus’s 1A in my book. But admitting that is like implicitly complimented the Giants defense, and complimenting the Giants for anything is a dangerous precedent to set. Not because I hate the team but because their fans are assholes. Oh, well. REDSKINS
GREEN BAY (-3) at Detroit
Ian: Green Bay has not played well in domes the last few years, but that’s because Brett Favre has not played well in domes the last few years. You know what? I like Aaron Rodgers. And I hate the Jets. I think I found my new favorite NFC team. GREEN BAY
Saj: How is this spread only three points? How does Coke Zero have no calories? Both from the “questions I can’t answer” file. Bottom line: if I have a child and he grows up to be the Detroit Lions in human form, I’ll have failed as a parent. GREEN BAY
Chicago (+3) at CAROLINA
Ian: Have you ever heard of Saj’s, “Remember, he’s Jake Delhomme” theory? It’s actually quite brilliant, despite its creator. The theory goes that whenever Jake Delhomme looks really good, it doesn’t mean a gambler or prognosticator should ride him until he bucks. It means he’ll return to human form before you know it. He looked great in San Diego last week, but remember, he’s Jake Delhomme. I think the 08-09 Bears will be very similar to the Bears of 2002-2006. Great defense, talented special teams, and just enough offense to not look like a pee-wee team. CHICAGO
Saj: Carolina looked pretty good against the Chargers last week, good enough to have beaten the spread even before Jake Delhomme’s miracle throw at the end of the game. Call me crazy, but I just don’t think Delhomme can do it again. It’s my “Remember, he’s Jake Delhomme” theory. CHICAGO
NY GIANTS (-8.5) at St. Louis
Ian: Upset special alert! Well, not really. The Giants are going to win, but they’re going to get pretty scared first. They, and their fan base, are a little too cocky for playing a poor three quarters against an average team. St. Louis, meanwhile, is a different team at home and will be playing desperate. They’ll hang close, but the G-Men put them away late. Still, the official pick is Rams plus the points. ST. LOUIS
Saj: Eight and a half points is a lot of points for a road favorite but the Rams are a lot of sucky for a home underdog. Man, after the Giants win this game they’ll be 2-0 to start the season. WHO WILL STOP THIS JUGGERNAUT?!?!?!?!?!* NY GIANTS
*sarcasm
Buffalo (+5.5) at JACKSONVILLE
Ian: Be careful Jacksonville fans, but the middle of your offensive line is ready to crack (remember David Gerrard getting sacked 7 times at the hand of Tennessee last week?) and former Jaguar Marcus Stroud anchors Buffalo’s defensive line. He might get 7 himself. However, Buffalo isn’t that good, they’re at their best in cold water, and I hear Jacksonville is hot or something. JACKSONVILLE
Saj: I have a story about the city of Buffalo. A few weeks ago I met up with some German guys my friend knows to show them around New York City. You know, take them to a few bars, window shop the strip clubs (too expensive), and other things New Yorkers do. They left for Toronto the next day and we made plans to meet up on their way back through New York. Well, they ended up missing their flight and getting stranded in Buffalo for a night. Can you imagine having seen less than a week of America and spending a full night of that in Buffalo? German Guy in Germany: “How was America?”, German Guy Returning from America: “Everyone has mullets and they put cheese on everything” which I guess also describes Pittsburgh and most of the Midwest. JACKSONVILLE
Atlanta (+7) at TAMPA BAY
Ian: Are we supposed to believe the Falcons are good because they beat the Lions in Atlanta? Bwahaha! Tampa Bay at home, even without Jeff Garcia, should be able to handle this. The line is a little high, but I’ll go with it. TAMPA BAY
Saj: Matt Ryan’s first game against a professional defense (the Lions don’t count). TAMPA BAY
San Francisco (+7) at SEATTLE
Ian: I love Seattle at home. I’ll pick them every time they play there against the 49ers. SEATTLE
Saj: Nine times out of ten I’d take the points here. Seattle looked pretty terrible against the Bills last week and they are out of competent receivers and/or runningbacks. But they’re at home where they excel and the 49ers look like they’d match up better against the Rhein Fire. Sidenote: J.T. O’Sullivan sounds like the fictional proprietor of an Irish pub in an airport. SEATTLE
Miami (+6.5) at ARIZONA
Ian: The Cardinals cannot, CANNOT be a 2-0 team and be the odds on favorite to win the NFC West. If this is about to happen, watch for that Hadron Collidor to FLIP OUT. MIAMI
Saj: Something’s happening in Miami. Not sure what it is. But it’s something. Also, someone needs to get Matt Leinart as far away from Arizona State University as possible. Can we stage an intervention for him? Is is possible for someone to be physically addicted to college girls? Ian, don’t answer that. College is close to underaged and I’m not sure how stringent Megan’s Laws are in Connecticut. On the bright side, buddy, the ankle bracelet comes off in three months! MIAMI
New England (+1.5) at NY JETS
Ian: Wow. The Pats plus points. That looks incredibly foreign. Do you realize they haven’t lost a regular season game since the year 2006? This game will be decided in the first quarter. If the Jets + Favre juice gets the Jets off to a hot start, complete with Matt Cassell crapping the bed, it’s going to be a blow out, and have no doubt that it will be the most pleasure a Jets fan has ever felt, Superbowl III and losing their virginity* included. However, if the Patriots hang in or take a lead, it’s going to be same old Pats-Jets. So, I suppose, my job is to predict which of these scenario’s will unfold. I honestly don’t know. I see an interesting wrinkle being that Mangini, who learned from Belechick when Big Bill was whooping up on inexperienced QB’s, now gets to gameplan against an inexperienced QB. But Cassell has Belechick and, potentially, a DVD of the the Jets practices this week. So, when in doubt, Pats plus points should be a good bet. PATRIOTS
*Likelihood questionable
Saj: When was the last time the Jets were favorites over the Patriots? I tried to check but I think it happened before statistics were recorded. Like in medieval times. Like when dinosaurs played football and the teams were owned by Greek Titans (I think Cronus owned the Jets, and he was a real dick). So the Patriots are missing a quarterback. Do you know what the Jets are missing? Integrity. Yes, I’m aware that they weren’t the team that illegally used videotape. THREE SUPERBOWLS BITCHES!! NEW ENGLAND
Baltimore (+4.5) at HOUSTON
Ian: Hurricane Ike is making this game nationally televised. Could you pick a worse game for that to happen to? You know, except for Oakland-KC, Tennessee-Cincy, Chicago-Carolina, Giants-St. Louis, Atlanta-Tampa, San Francisco-Seattle, or Miami-Arizona. Wow, not a good week for the NFL. Anyway, HOUSTON.
Saj: Hurricane Ike has pushed this game back to Monday night, so we get a second game again this Monday. Thank God for hurricanes!! If you’d like to start a list of other things hurricanes are good for, please do so in the comments section. I’ll start: making Al Gore more smug. BALTIMORE
PITTSBURGH (-6) at Cleveland
Ian: Regarding predicting the AFC Champion, I hope everyone is okay after the New England/Jacksonville to Pittsburgh stampede. I mean, Pittsburgh hosts and beats up on the Houston Texans and now they’re the team to beat? I don’t think so. However, Cleveland isn’t much better than Houston. PITTSBURGH
Saj: So some Pittsburgh fan made this amusing shirt about Brady’s injury. Oh, I see. You’re a fan of Bernard Pollard because he’s the player who hurt Tom Brady. I get it! Be right back, I’m going to go print 10,000 “My quarterback is a lucky, brazen asshole who should be a vegetable after being a dick on his motorcycle” t-shirts. Listen, I’m glad Roethlisberger ended up okay, but these are the lengths I’m willing to go to. PITTSBURGH
Philadelphia (+7) at DALLAS
Ian: Two playoff teams, both in the top 3-4 in the conference, square off in what is, with New England-Jets, one of the two most highly anticipated Week Two match ups. Like the Jets game, take the points. PHILADELPHIA
Saj: Terrell Owens and Donovan McNabb continue to talk about each other which leads me to believe they still have some lingering feelings for one another. Sure, Terrell, Tony Romo is a sweet guy and he treats you well, but it’s just not the same for you and I can see that. So stop lying to everyone. Stop hiding your hurt behind comically oversized sunglasses and bling. One of these days, Terrell, Donovan is going to come to you and say, “Knock, knock, is Terrell home?” and I hope, for the sake of both you, you say, “Yes. Yes he is.” Shotgun movie rights. EAGLES
